By Diane
My faith has always been strong, but it has wavered at times. Throughout the aftermath of my assault and the years that followed, it has only become stronger.
Life had been difficult for me after my divorce, as I was raising my 6 year old daughter pretty much by myself and did not have family nearby. My drinking and drug use increased as I attempted to escape the pain. Luckily, I found Alcoholics Anonymous, became sober, and found a family of others working on building their faith and spirituality.
I was approximately three years sober at the time of my assault; I was attacked by a stranger in my own bed with my daughter asleep beside me. When he asked who was in bed with me, I responded, “my child,” fearing what he might do to her if he knew she was my daughter. While he was raping me, I told him I had a disease, in an attempt to deter him, and recited the Lord’s Prayer repeatedly. After promising he would later return, he left and we called the police. The detectives told me I had done all the right things to protect us during the attack. However, even though I “had done all the right things,” I was very frustrated at never being able to identify him because my face was covered the whole time. He was never caught.
Because of his threat to return, I was deathly afraid of being alone in my own home. For three weeks, we stayed a few days at a time with friends I had met in AA. I was suffering from severe PTSD and could barely speak without stuttering, all the while reliving the nightmare again and again in my dreams when I attempted to sleep. I couldn’t be behind a closed door, and I swung a punch whenever I was startled. I knew that we could not continue living this way; we had to return home. When we first returned, different friends spent the night with us until we felt comfortable. I got a dog, had my security alarm fixed, wore an alarm, and continued going to the AA meetings that I needed now more than ever (I wanted to drink, but knew if I did, life would spiral downward and really out of control). I also started going back to church.
I was off work for about six weeks after the assault. I went to therapy, met other survivors, and joined a survivor’s support group. One of the topics that was asked of me by different people was if I blamed God for the attack. I knew in my heart that God knew beforehand that the event would occur, but He provided all the help afterward to get me through it. There is no way I could have endured the aftermath without His grace and mercy. God was my rock, my protector and my savior, and at times, that’s all I felt I had.
I know now, after over 25 years since the assault, that God has been there for me through many other trials. Two years after the attack, I lost my job of 15 years through downsizing. I was without an income for a year and a half. After dealing with the loss of emotional and physical security, I was now presented with the loss of financial security. I was guided to a job (I knew I didn’t find it by myself) that fulfilled my lifelong dream of teaching. I was a single parent for over 10 years but met my current husband by chance on the internet. He is my soul mate. I never thought men like him existed.
A Bible verse that always stuck with me early in sobriety was Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you… plans to give you hope and a future.” I always wondered if this could be true for me too. To have hope for a better life and to be inspired with a future seemed like a dream back then. I started going to a different church, was baptized again, joined some small groups, and met many women with similar life experiences. Hearing from others that God had a plan for all of us helped me realize that there are no coincidences in life. What we think are coincidences are just miracles in which God chooses to remain anonymous. With all my adversities, God had been there through it all. He never left my side, protecting me, comforting me, and most of all, loving me.
When I look back over the years and reflect on the goodness of God, I am reminded of that fateful early morning attack and how I was given the courage to walk through the pain, step over the threshold of fear, and continue on with my life. I know that whatever hurdle I am confronted with, I will walk through it just like before. Walking through fear strengthened my faith.