By Mary Ruth
Here it is, another night I'm awake and can't get back to sleep. I feel that haunting, frightening lump in my gut. Fear returning again? I'm frozen to my bed, I can't move. There's those strange, fearful noises again. Why? Years have passed. But, here I am still be tormented by the evilness of my past. It's as though someone is calling me to write about it. Maybe if I get it out for the one and final time, it will be over. But, will it ever really be over?
So much of my childhood has been lost. In some hidden recesses of my mind, I have locked away so many parts of my life. Some, I'm sure, gone forever. It's sad though, why is it that the worst part still remains? Still causes restless nights. Still causes haunting nightmares. Still causes so many fears.
He was possessed.
What triggered me to get help was the continual voices that were always in my head. Voices telling me that I wasn't good at anything. I was stupid. I was always pretending to be someone that I wasn't. My actions didn't coincide with my emotions. I didn't trust myself, so I learned to observe people and read about the way things were supposed to be and then I would act or respond accordingly. I didn't know how to deal with my emotions.
You see, I never loved myself until I found Parents United, an advocacy group here in Modesto. I didn't think anyone could love and respect me. I didn't respect myself for a long time.
My insecurities become insurmountable and I wasn't happy with anything in my life. I felt I didn't deserve what I had and became judgmental and controlling, trying to push everything away. Depression snuck in and out of my life. Migraines and stomach problems started to ail me again. I had no idea that all the dysfunction from my childhood was eating me up alive from the inside out.
The motto at Parents United was; "Until you deal with molest, it will deal with you." Ever since I could remember, every single day, all day, all night long, in my daydreams and in my nightmares, that was all I thought about. It haunted me! I prayed a million prayers asking God to take it out of my head. Victims are affected forever. Their lives are in constant turmoil. I couldn't allow my stepfather to continue to have control over me. I had to take my power back!
When a child goes through abuse, it is not only sexual. It is physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. It is so traumatic and causes so much dysfunction. The healing process changes our views and belief system that we were taught and thought was a reality. Surviving is the first step toward recovery. Then there is an awakening, an awareness of what needs to be done to change, to strive to learn to trust again. To be in touch with emotions and appropriate behaviors becomes a longing. Transformations begin and the heart and mind start connecting again.
I have always had a special knowing that I am a child of God and I am blessed in more ways than the average adult can understand. I know myself. I know why I am here. I have proudly found my purpose in life and will live to the fullest every day. There was a time I had no idea who I was or why I was alive. It is an ugly feeling that can stay with adults who have been sexually abused. Looking back through the years, I swear I never realized the day would come that I could be and would be fully in charge of myself, feeling all the emotions and honoring each and everyone one of them, positive or negative. I now know how to deal with all the experiences life brings my way. I have a deep peace within that could never have been understood before my healing and reconnecting with my spiritual side. Life is abundant and good because I expect it to be. Miracles happen to me because I expect them.
I am proud to be a survivor!